When I turn 35

I am running for President on the following platform:

1. Mandatory gun ownership for all men AND women between the ages of 18 and 65.

How many times have you come across someone who has never laid hands on a rifle before? I've met a few, and these encounters are always awkward. Teach marksmanship in high school (they already do this in many Western states) and give kids a gun rather than a ring for graduation. Look at Switzerland: mandatory gun ownership for all men aged between 20 and 42. One of the lowest crime rates in Europe. And when was the last time someone had the balls to invade Switzerland? Compare this to Poland, France, etc.

2. A National Beatles Appreciation Day

No, they're not American, and no, I don't care. Best thing to come out of Liverpool since the word "youse." Beatles rule.

3. The replacement of the "Star Spangeled Banner" with the Beatles classic "Ob-la-di, ob-la-da."

America has one of the worst national anthems of any western civilization. We deserve better. This can be announced on America's first National Beatles Appreciation Day.

4. Rent control + free utilities + no broker fee for any apartment the President wishes to rent in the City of New York.

How many times have you looked through Craiglist to find 95% of Manhattan brokers want a $5,000 broker fee for their "hard work"? By "hard work," they mean informing you of the exact address of an apartment you found listed yourself. Entirely lame. Compounded with the fact that utilities run for as much as $200/month for a studio in this town plus the fact that rents go up nearly $100 every year, I cannot afford to live in Manhattan after college. A travesty. The President should get special treatment and be exempt from such atrocities.

5. Mandatory cessation of the use of mustard on hamburgers nationwide.

Most of the nation continues to put this yellow garbage on their hamburgers. Too bad this yellow stuff (they call it "Mustard") tastes horrible. In New York, hamburgers are never served with mustard, and if you ask for it, you'll get a funny look. That is how it ought to be.

6. Free pop-tarts in public school breakfasts nationwide.

Enough said.

7. The long-needed construction of a bronze statue of John Lennon in Strawberry Fields and a moniment to the fab four on the National Mall.

We have an area called "Strawberry Fields" dedicated to the magnificant John Lennon the Great in Central Park. But in it, no statue. It is time for one. Also, build a monument to the Beatles right on the National Mall in Washington.

8. Free leather jackets for all.

So we can all be cool like the Fonz.

Kearns-McCartney (my running mate... nevermind that he's not an American citizen) 2020!