Yes, I am a Stupid American (tm). Would you like Freedom Fries with that?

I had an interesting conversation with a dude at the local Chipotle yesterday. I overheard a conversation between two Americans that went something like this:

Pretentious asshat #1: "I think France is such a civilized country. They're so forward-thinking."

Pretentious asshat #2: "You think so? I've always had a thing for the Netherlands. My brother loves it over there."

#1: "Oh really? He still dating that Brazilian chick?"

#2: "Actually, I think he's a moron for this, but he dumped her for some Stupid American."

#1: "OH GOD!! YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! AN AMERICAN?"

(at this point I am biting my tongue so hard it's bleeding)

#2: "I know... dumbass. She's from Idaho."

#1: "Does she smell like redneck?"

My mother was born in a small town outside Spokane, Washington about 5 miles from the Idaho border, so I sort of glared at them by accident.

#2. "Everyone smells like redneck in America. I SOOO need to get out of here."

So then I snapped:

Me: "Why don't you?"

#2: "Excuse me?"

Me: "If you don't like living in America, why don't you leave? Don't you think life is too short to waste it in a place you dispise?"

#2: "Well... my mother lives Upstate and I don't want to leave her alone."

Me: "Oh really? Where?"

#2: "Watertown."

Me: "Ah. So she's within an hour of Canada?"

#2: "Yes."

Me: "So why don't you move to Canada? Montreal I hear is lovely."

#1: "What are you getting at?"

Me: "Let the poor boy answer the question."

#2: "What? Oh yeah. If I do make a move, it'd be to Amsterdam."

Me: "But I thought you just said you didn't want to leave your mother all alone?"

#2: "Yeah, but she'll be fine."

Me: "So why not move to Amsterdam rather than constantly complain about how stupid Americans are?"

#1: "Come on Claude (lol, his name's Claude). Let's leave this redneck to himself."

OH NO HE DIDN'T.

Me: "Where are you from?"

#1: "Toledo, Ohio. I don't see how that's important."

Me: "It's important because you're from Ohio, and I'm from New fucking York. Care to call me a redneck again?"

Store manager comes over and asks us what's wrong. They say nothing and they leave.

Considering I was half-drunk at the time, I think I conducted myself very well. Alcohol increases my assertiveness, it seems. Drinking for the win!