I wish I could fly more

As it is, I only end up flying twice a year. That is a shame. I know... most people dread flying. But I LIVE FOR IT!!! Let me count the ways:

1.) Electronic check-in

Thank you airlines for this wonderful innovation. No more waiting on line for hours waiting to check your damned bags in.

2.) The feeling of importance you get when you are running around an airport

Even when I'm not late for my flight, I like to RUN to my destination gate. Why? Because it makes me feel big and important, like an extraordinarily rich businessman who has better things to do than get to the airport on time. This feeling is enhanced when you wear a suit with the top button unbuttoned and a loose tie (I call this the "just had sex" look). Then after I get to my gate, I RUN to the Starbucks to get my favorite Frappuccino, then RUN to a shop to get a newspaper, then RUN back to my gate. And I still have a half hour to spare.

3.) Those moving walkways

With my half hour to spare, I RUN on these moving walkways, producing insanely fast speeds. Or, run AGAINST the motion of the walkway for increased fun and hilarity.

4.) Take-offs

Nuff said.

5.) Airline peanuts

They taste better than ordinary peanuts. I swear. Also those little cookies they serve are delicious. And the bloody maries they serve. Although they last charged me $5 for one of those.

6.) Those televisions on the seatbacks.

These are new, and they are lovely. They let you play in-flight trivia on these televisions, which generally involves me pwning the others on the plane. After each question, the game gives you a list of all the people on the plane playing (listed by seat number) and their current score. At the end of the game (ie when it declares me the winner and Benevolent Lord of Kickass) I make sure to pump my fist high into the air to make sure everyone knows who that genius sitting in seat 22A is.

7.) Landings

Again, nuff said.

8.) Meeting whomever at the destination airport

Because they wub me so much.


And that's about it. Flying is so great, I've been considering flying to London and back for $160 (what it costs to fly from JFK to LHR if you "know where to look"). On the same day. Plus all trans-Atlantic British Airways planes have the TV sets on the seatbacks, I've heard.