John McCain: Make sure to fear-monger a lot on the issue of judicial activism. Nevermind the fact that it was conservatives praising judicial activism when the courts began striking down New Deal laws in the 1930's. Win the support of the Religious Right you publicly insulted years ago.
Rudy Giuliani: Talk about 9/11. Come out strong in support of the Iraq War and the global "War on Terror." Win over the neocons.
Mitt Romney: Highlight the fact that you did your best to keep uber-Massachusetts under control. Hammer Rudy and McCain on social issues as much as possible. Build support among douchebag flip-floppers who support candidates that change positions on key issues such as abortion and gay marriage as they navigate the political world.
Sam Brownback: Make sure everybody knows you're from Kansas. Conservatives love shitty, dull, box-shaped states like Kansas. You're from the Intelligent Design state! Be proud!
Mike Huckabee: Shut the fuck up.
Duncan Hunter: Once again, location location location. Drive in the fact that you're from the one solidly Red area of California: San Diego. Also drive in the fact that, like many other solidly Red areas, SD is a dull shithole that nobody east of Arizona knows exists.
Jim Gilmore: Who are you? Next.
Tom Tancredo: Make sure you don't piss off that pesky GOP Governor who immigrated from Austria. Yes, that unfortunately means that you cannot blame "wet-backs, beaners, and taxi-cab drivers" for all of society's ills.
Tommy Thompson: Highlight the fact that you're far and away the closest of all the candidates to Bush. Everybody loves Bush.
Ron Paul: Just make sure to be the sexy libertarian beast you are. Other than that, how could I ever offer advice to the second Messiah? I LOVE YOU RONNIE!
Man, beyond Ron Paul and Rudy, the Republican Party sure does blow. Ugh.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment